(The following excerpts are from the life story of Arturo Esquer "Searching For a Way to Leave No One Behind: The Transformation of a Mexican Gangster" reprinted by permission from Mandala Magazine, November '97.)

I was born on February 4, 1976 in Montebello, California, a part of Los Angeles. I’m the sixth of my mother’s seven children: five boys and two girls. We are Mexican.
My mother, my older sister Lorraine, and my four brothers and I lived in a small, two-bedroom apartment with one of my mother’s boyfriends. I never met my father. One of my brothers told me he was in jail; that’s all I knew…

Respect was the main issue for everyone. If you didn’t have respect, you were no one: that was very clear to me. And already everyone on my block showed me the utmost respect because of the fights I had fought, so people never gave me hard looks or talked to me in a disrespectful way… It was clear that the people who gained the most respect were the guys from the gangs…

[At 11, Arturo joined the neighborhood gang.] I was becoming more and more violent, and I felt totally justified. This was how you dealt with life. You had to be strong, fearless, and you had be to respected, at all costs. And you had to have respect for others, and I did. I was trying to be like one of those hard-core mean-killer characters in movies like The Godfather and Scarface: the good guy who would tolerate no shit from no one, who took care of his family and friends and had respect for others, but who didn’t hesitate to kill anyone, friend, family or foe, if the situation called for it…

As I gained more respect and authority in my neighborhood, I was able to do more favors for people and help them out in certain situations…
[At 12, Arturo was sent to Juvenile Hall for a gang-related robbery. His crimes escalated, and at 16 he was sentenced to three consecutive life terms for attempted murder. He is now a prisoner in Pelican Bay.]

In the hole… I had plenty of time to study, and to think… As I learned about the struggles of my people in Mexico and in this country, I began to develop a strong desire to do something about it. And when I thought about how people with money and even a little power, as well as other races, treated my people like dirt or wild animals, a strong hatred began to build up inside me. I would think, "How could a country like the US, which talks about liberty for all, make a law like the one just passed in California that denies Mexican women and children medical help and education? This land isn’t even theirs! There should be a law making white people go back to Europe!"…

One day a friend of mine lent me a book written by a Japanese Samurai master about Zen, and it really went to my heart. One thing he said had a strong effect on me: "Man yearns for what is true on earth, for only by finding truth will he put an end to his restlessness."…He also said that all living beings have an inherently pure Buddha-nature and were oneness with the entire universe; I found that very interesting…

At first I thought to learn to use Zen as a discipline to refine my character and will in order to help me become steadfast in my efforts to help my people and crush their oppressors. But my ideas were starting to conflict, and I began for the first time to question whether my way of life, my gang activities, actually helped my people. This wasn’t easy because I had always had 110 percent devotion to my way of life, even if it cost me my life…

In the library, I came across a book by Lama Yeshe that completely penetrated my heart and slapped me in the face simultaneously. I was forced to see that my gangster way of life only brought more problems to my people. I had to make a choice, that was clear: I was either going to walk the path of the Buddha or continue to adhere to my old way of life…

I made my first mala — using the Os from Cheerios cereal!… I fill my day and nights with practice and study. I like to get up before dawn, when there is quiet — a rare thing here…
Whether I get out of prison or not doesn’t matter. What matters is that I benefit others, wherever I am.

Arturo has been greatly supported in his practice by the Ven. Robina Courtin of FPMT (Foundation for the Preservation of the Mahayana Tradition), and by the Liberation Prison Project, of which she is the director. This project helps prisoners in the U.S. and Australia, sending them Buddhist books and materials, advising them in their practice and studies, and visiting them. For more information, contact: PO Box 33, Taos, NM 87571. Phone (505) 758 7894. Email: liberationpp@compuserve.com