BPF | Pen Pal Perspectives

It's hard to write cautions without sounding overly negative, so we want to begin by saying that we think pen-pal relationships are great idea, and can be extremely deep and precious parts of the spiritual journey. As in any friendship, there may sometimes be rough waters to sail through, but it's well worth the effort.

There's certainly no easy recipe for any type of friendship, including this one. But because we have observed a lot of pen-pal relationships over the past twenty years, many of you have asked to help you steer clear of some common problems on both sides. So this is being sent to both parties whom we have just matched as pen-pals. We hope it helps you to understand and love each other and become important parts of each other's lives.

A pen-pal relationship between a prisoner and a "free worlder" is an exploration of friendship--and in this case, being brought together through the Prison-Ashram Project, it's hopefully an exploration of spiritual friendship which helps both parties to awaken to their vastness, to their true source of happiness and freedom, as much as possible.

Tips & Cautions for "Free Worlders":

1) Don't assume you're now in a role as a spiritual teacher of your prison friend. You both have much to learn from each other. He or she many daily face situations you can hardly imagine, so please respect that. Don't be overwhelmed or intimidated by it, but do respect it and practice what Thich Nhat Hahn calls "deep listening."

2) On the other hand, neither are you now the loyal sidekick of a larger-than-life "romantic outlaw." Your pen-pal is a life sized person, no bigger and no smaller, who has a lot of goodness and who has also probably made a lot of stupid and self-centered choices which have messed up his or her life a great deal. A great challenge of a spiritual friendship is to be fully loving without supporting or reinforcing each other's self-delusions and vanities.

3) If you feel sexual or romantic vibes which make you uncomfortable, don't allow them to build. Prison is a lonely and demented place, so you can surely understand those hopes or fantasies. But if that's not what you're in this for, make your position extremely clear, and discontinue writing if your pen-pal refuses to shift gears into a platonic friendship. Same thing with requests for money and "errands." If you feel imposed upon to "send this or that, do this or that, call so-and-so, contact my lawyer," them nip it in the bud, and make it clear that's not what you're signing up for. Some prisoners feel "it can't hurt to try," but they may become perfectly good pen-pals after that.

4) Please don't ever be manipulated into suspicious activity such as anything to do with government checks, money orders, forwarding money or mail from your return address, smuggling anything into prison, or lying in any way to anyone. You can bring serious trouble into your life that way. If your pen-friend loves you, he or she won't put you in that position. If he or she puts you in that position, then you're a "mule" to them, not a friend.

5) Don't be frightened by your relatives' or friends' panic about the "danger" you're putting yourself in by writing to a prisoner. This isn't a rottweiler you're writing to, it is a human being, just like you. If you feel friendship, that's a human friendship. Any friendship is vulnerable to one's weaknesses, fears, etc., but if you just use common sense and listen honestly to your gut & conscience, you may find that this becomes one of the most valuable relationships in your life. Prison is a profound environment which can give rise to a lot of courage and wisdom.

Tips & Cautions for Prisoner Pen-Pals:

1) Your outside pen-pal is neither your Guru nor your disciple, but a potential friend. Remember that friendship is a two-way street. Are you really interested in his or her life, instead of just using them as a sounding board for your complaints or grand philosophies? Your pen-pal wants to know you, not be impressed by you.

2) Almost everyone in prison is broke, and almost everyone has needs that aren't being met. but that's not what your pen-pal relationship is about, and if you try to make it into that, you'll probably lose a good friend. Which will do you more good in the long run--twenty bucks for a radio, or a lifelong friend?

3) Your pen-friend may be a little nervous about various things about who you are and where you are. Don't pamper their fears, but do understand and try to address them if you feel that's what's going on. It might help a lot.

4) Remember, everyone in the "free world" has problems and struggles too. It's really true that we're all doing time in one way or another, so both of you can try to help each other see and dismantle those prisons of mind, which are far more limiting than any prisons of bars and steel. Practice "deep listening" when you read your friend's letters.

Buddhist Peace Fellowship Prison Project
510.655.6169 ext. 307 (tel)
510.655.1369 (fax)
prisons@bpf.org
www.bpf.org